In life, there are two kinds of men; those who drive cars and those who drive vehicles. Believe me, this is not some bar rhetoric. There happens to be massive differences between cars and vehicles. Anyone who still calls his car the jalopy is a designate vehicle owner. Any car that is older than your teenage kids is a vehicle.
The reason I am such a proud VO (vehicle owner) is because like all VOs my car is fully paid for. No pending loans or long drawn out financial arrangements because vehicles, unlike cars aren’t that expensive. To drive a vehicle, you require intuitive skills that can only be picked up the hard way, through experience. Your standard vehicle has at least, the following items either missing or malfunctioning – an ornamental handbrake, brakes that have to be pumped, bald tyres, stiff clutch, cranky ignition switch, wobbly wipers, missing side mirror, meek horn, jammed windows, a slot where the stolen radio used to sit, and cabin lights so dim you might as well buy a flash light. To drive a vehicle requires the mobilisation of all faculties physical and mental both conscious and unconscious. The motor responses called upon from the steering wheel and foot pedals will have you exercising muscles you never imagined existed.
Borrow a car from a friend and all you have to know is how to deactivate the alarm and nitty-gritty like, “The GPS works fine”. Borrow a vehicle and the list of instructions starts with a warning. Do not wind down the window on the passenger side. Ignore the sound counsel and you will soon find out that either the window winders are missing or the damn thing will simply refuse to wind up again. Before you borrow a vehicle, the VO (vehicle owner) will run you through a long winding list of Dos and Don’ts.
- DO NOT rely on the fuel gauge. Sometimes it gets to the red spot and you are still good for 1 km, sometimes it actually means its empty. Resort to elementary mathematics or common sense and you will be forced to do the long walk to the petrol station.
- Do NOT remove the jerrican and the fuel funnel. Petrol attendants would be suspicious of your motives if you showed up with a 2L Coke bottle. Petrol has other uses in Kenya.
- DO leave the car on gear, even when the handbrake is engaged unless you want to find it down the street neatly tucked into the front of a brand new Mercedes Benz.
- DO NOT bother opening the left passenger door – it won’t open. Politely ask your date to get in through the driver’s side and it is a chance to be a gentleman by always holding out the door.
- DO rely on your wit, imagination and resourcefulness to stop the car when you forget to pump the brakes. It is important to allow pumping distance between you and the next vehicle.
- DO NOT take your foot completely off the accelerator or the car will switch off but you can jumpstart it on just about any gear with momentum.
- DO NOT drive in the rain. The wipers are a bit worn and tires are dicey so try and leave your destination before it rains.
All VOs are on first name terms with the traffic police. I am not in any way suggesting that VOs are all ex-cons. More to do with the fact that they are flagged down so regularly at police-manned roadblocks you might as well apply for a PSV ( Police Sacco Vehicle) license. A cop sees a vehicle approaching from a mile away and his right hand shoots up by reflex. This is just how traffic police are programmed to respond to what would be legally referred to as “unroadworthy vehicle”. Both the vehicle and the police know, they do not have look too hard to find a fault so you pay the spot fine and promise to fix the problem, ‘when you get money’.
Vehicles are always malfunctioning because the average vehicle is way past its prime and average vehicle owner is never able to afford a full service. It will rev up every morning without a fuss then suddenly on the one morning you are running late, it goes dead. Vehicles are legendary for their ability to disappoint and usually just after a trip to the garage. It is for this reason that VOs are blown away in amazement when they encounter a vehicle that does a full month without a single problem cropping up.
All vehicles come loaded with power steering (you need powerful forearms to steer), outdoor air conditioning, childproof locks (doors open only from outside), a pre-1990 license plate that acts as a theft deterrent, take-a wild-guess speedometers, the option of one functioning indicator (take your pick, left or right), OBS-one wheel braking system and a one week trouble-free warranty.
All VOs have encountered these 3 types of mechanics. The first mechanic is the retrenched ex-CMC, DT-Dobie, Marshalls guy running his own independent show. He was trained as a mechanic and he generates invoices. He will always correctly diagnose the problem inform you that the spare parts are available at the cost of three months house rent. The second kind is the self taught, jack-of–all mechanic who never saw a problem he could not fix. They are generally gifted and quite intuitive but always multi tasking, barking instructions to a team of spanner boys that they never focus on a problem at hand. You spend so much time together he will inevitably become a family friend. The third kind doesn’t have a clue what’s causing the problem even after you tell them. These are mostly opportunistic mechanics who lurk around highways waiting for vehicles to break down and chance to make a quick score. The standards tools of trade are a spanner and screw driver. To cover up his ignorance, he will dismantle your entire engine and create a new problem, which he will vehemently insist, is of greater concern than your current predicament.
Girls love cars. Vehicles however, they approach with extreme caution. All vehicles come with a standard disclaimer, “The owner shall not take responsibility for any mishaps that might ruin an otherwise perfect romantic evening”, written in fine print across the dashboard. Funny nobody ever notices it. All VOs give their vehicles pet names they have move swings. Sometimes, they do not move for no clear reason and it is at that point that you come to address the car by its pet name. For example, after the president doing his rounds keeps you stuck in a jam for a good hour and when the roads finally open, the vehicle stalls. That’s when you plead for reprieve by saying, “ Come on pleaseee! (insert pet name), not today, not here” as car owners behind you lean on their horns.
A man and his car can be easily parted, but a man and his vehicle are one. No more different than the holy union, together, for better or worse, in sickness and in health until engine seizure do us part. Every weekend vehicle owners flock to garages littered with shells and idle spanner-juggling mechanics. They will read all the major papers as they day dream of driving their vehicles for an entire week without uttering the words, “I thought I had this fixed?” All VOs have separate versions of how close they are to perfection. They will bore you to numbness with statements like, “The engine is perfect,” and when a few minutes later the car stalls, they hastily add, “I just need to change the points and the car will be as good as new”.
If you ever noticed, car owners are the typically the single occupant drivers. Vehicles owners tend to more social minded. You may also notice vehicles are always loaded with passengers. Experience has taught us that many hands make light pushing. Every VO understands the importance of vantage parking, just in case the inevitable happens. Good Samaritans never bother to help vehicle owners for two reasons. Firstly, it will take not less than ten attempts to get the vehicle started and after each failed attempt the VOs will utter the assuring words, “Wanaume! Twende kazi!”. Secondly, when the vehicle finally spurts to life, the VOs then step on the gas with relief and disappear into the horizon without a backward glance. This is a very distressing experience for an out of breath Good Samaritan hoping to pocket a loose shilling.
All VOs have mastered commando-style vehicle fire evacuation techniques that would be the envy of any Hollywood stunt man. I remember my first fire incident like it was yesterday. There were four of us in a ‘74’ VolksWagen Beetle; Tony, a fellow VO, Ochuki and Gitonga (would be car owners) herein referred to as the skeptics. The vehicle was behaving funny and the skeptics voiced their fears, which we allayed. But all was not well and next thing; the Beetle was engulfed in a cloud of smoke. Tony located the source, asked everyone to vacate the vehicle and calmly dislodged the flaming back seat and the fire was stumped out on side of a major highway. We then threw smoking but extinguished back seat onto the roof of the car to let it cool off. The cause of the mishap was a worn seat whose naked wires connected with the battery leads wires setting spark that lit up the highly flammable cushion stuffing. A few minutes later, when we replaced the back seat, the skeptics would refuse to resume their positions citing a sudden need to exercise their limbs.
If more young men starting driving vehicles before they bought cars on loan, it would teach them three important relationship lessons in life.
- Live within your means.
- Make time for maintenance and the run will be smooth.
- Believe me, you can still win a girl’s heart even when your car is need of a new floor job. Ref: Obama.
If you drive a vehicle, honk.
Image source: amywickliffeinafrica.blogspot.com
I have to apologize to the VO fans, I did not realize the comments were off on this post until Dayvee and Sarah pointed it out. I do have my bimbo moments sometimes.
Vehicle owners are now given an opportunity to explain their attachment to old cars.
am not a VO but my dad is :-). Peugeot 504, Station Wagon, that car that was built to outlast its owner – chuma ya zamani – literally! Boy does that car come with a list of instructions – there is how to open the boot, then you don’t just jaza tank, there is a hole somewhere in the fuel tank! The hand break does not really work well so the car is always sneaking off somewhere if parked on an incline . . . but we love that car, its multi-purpose – whether fetching feeds for the livestock or taking the family some place this car is your best bet! Loved this article, brought back so many memories!
Well written OP!
Nice one!
Am a VO (’85’ Datsun Pick-up in which I leant ro drive!) and also a car owner, but my darling is the vehicle (which my friends call ‘Adundo’), which I can fix any time, has never broken down completely (Deno the mechanic always ‘wakes it up’), and is as strong as an ox (Zebu to be exact)! The speedometer no longer works, but since i normally zoom past some PSV’s, it mean it can still hit 100kph. I have been asked to sell it many times, but ………..
Yah, but…you would rather sell your liver. Love those Datsun pick-ups. One of my cousins has one from god knows when, still running.
I’ve laughed so hard in the office, I had to step out. I would like to reblog this article on my blog but there isnt a reblog button….options?
I don’t have a specific reblog button but you can share the page on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or send and email to friend. Scroll to the bottom of the article for the option buttons. Thanks for dropping by.
I’ve managed to re-blog it on my blog. Here’s the link in case you want to see it. http://lonehungrytraveller.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/393/
My dad once sold a good reliable Peugeot 504 pick up to solve money problems and bought an old and finished peugeot 404 pickup KL-something. Of course I was the one tasked with the responsibility of taking the car to a retrenched mech to patch it up. it took quite some time and money but by the time the car was being sold, it was moving like a song.
Nice 🙂
old cars or Vehicles have more character and when well maintained and looked after can last for years. I got a 1990 Honda Civic and restored it that vehicle runs better than most cars and it has never broken down..
You were obviously talking about my 16yr old Opel Astra, fondly referred to as Estelle, which has refused to go despite me offering it to 1st time drivers at a throw-away.
Many newly-employed young men nowadays want their first ride to be a car not a vehicle, thanks to unsecured loans. A car will give you convenience while a vehicle will give you valuable life-lessons and in-depth knowledge on motoring.
Well said Pilato. Couldn’t have summarized it better.
HONK! HONK!
My 20 year old Suzuki Gypsy is aptly named IMPUNITY. He goes when he wants, how he wants and where he wants. Yes, he is a man. I can drive for a full two months trouble free, then do a 1200 km round trip to the rift valley easily , come home, and the next morning IMPUNITY won’t start.
I call Mwai (the now family-befriended mechanic), get on my bike and go to work.
Mwai does his thing, calls me to ask if he can use IMPUNITY to rescue a stranded CAR, gets a go ahead and returns IMPUNITY in the evening.
I will then meet Mwai in the evening, pay him his 5sock, buy him two beers and enjoy another unpredictable period (1 day – 30 days) of trouble free driving.
IMPUNITY is never locked and somehow the estate kids and common thieves keep off.
For some weird reason, and very beneficial to those with ‘can-i-borrow-ur-car-for-a-ruracio-thingi’ friends, only Mwai and myself can actually drive impunity.
Barikiwa….
ps…IMPUNITY has been on sale for the last 3 years…still is.
Spoken like a true VO. I can totally relate. Thanks.
This is by far the funniest, truest and most relatable post I have read in a while. Totally defines my old man good one Pala!
Honk honk!
Lolest……ROTFL! OP you are on point like decimal! I must say am true VO to 90% of your article. I roll in 504 s/w aka Flying Squad. My baby has been disowned by all I know….inc my folks the original owners. My mum asked me when am selling it yesterday, a girl once told she’d never have spoken to me had she see flying squad first….
Trust me not soon….not after an engine overhaul and paint job! Don’t get me started on my ex Marshalls mech, he knows his stuff I must say…….the engine is perfect…(that is true)..I thot I fixed that….Lolest .
Heck OP, let’s make a club for VOs.
Honk Honk OP…
Boy ohh boy ……lol that was me you just described, including the picture to boot! My vehicle is a 504 S/W aka Flying Squad…and my engine is perfect…but lol…’i thought i fixed that’…the all day garage visits, ex-marshalls mechanic…[by the way all of them claim to be..]
My family has disowned her…including my folks…[the original owners]. When are you selling this car… is the question I have to answer.
Great article OP. My oldman loved it too….
Best I’ve read since Justin Halpern (and it tops that…) cheers man, and I take a bow, partly due to a sudden rib situation and awe. Respect.
Hi, Every day i get a post I had not read before. This one is a gem!!! Our first car was certainly a vehicle, bought at 100k only, a Nissan B11….seeing that I’m a chick I quickly had to learn about bearings, plugs, mileage (coz of course the fuel gauge wasn’t working). Oh we stalled like a thousand times, when it rained, it rained inside the vehicle, in fact on wet nights, hubby had to go get it parked elsewhere lest the plugs get wet or sijui the lights…..But we had a blast with it. One day the door fell off (don’t ask me why) and he had to drive to the garage with me holding the door all the way to Ngong (that’s the only place he could get a mech who understood his vehicle) We eventually upgraded but that car was something…..Nice read and I had a hearty laugh.
I had good laugh reading about your experiences…a door that fell off, telling signs of a bonafide VO.
Over an year or 2 later I get to come and re-read this article and still laugh. I totally resonate with the VW story, my old man had one and it seems that the battery on fire isn’t an isolated case, he still has burn scars on his hands from ripping off the hot cable leads from the battery.
The V (vehicle) I dedicate this comment to is JV a Datsun 120y (Yr of make: 1976, amking him older than most of us) famously known by me and the boys as smoky. Smoky had a knack for always having these interesting exhaust leaks that made the inside quite “smoky” hence, driving in smoky was defensive driving in itself, always defending smoky from hitting cars and pedestrians after brake pumping failed.
Whenever the skies turned grey, I had to try my best to head for home, woe if you didn’t make it in time, smoky would skid on perfectly tarmacked roads and you would have quite the run on the “power steering” trying to keep a straight path, muddy roads, never mind I could walk.
The speedo on smoky had a mind of it’s own, even when driving at snail’s pace, it had a constant speed of 60kph, at a speed of 40kph (VO’s are blessed with biological GPS), yu were doing 140kph, so much for speed limits.
The tales, smoky recently went for a paint job (professional, as wall paint works equally well) after being parked for an year, you can’t sell him (as he can’t fetch even your monthly rent), I plan to hold onto him for as long as I can.
God bless VO’s.
I’ve never related with an article like I have on this one. Absolutely true story this one. Good write up Oyunga aka ‘younger!’
Hahaha Ths reminded me of my oldman’s isuzu pickup…sometimes a door can open wen u take a sharp corner, other times a door will open then refuse to close(haijishikilii)…I rem one day it opened then refused to close sa I had to hold onto it wth one hand(chini ya maji) past a roadblock n funny enough I wasnt stopped
Uh! my! Old Subaru leon Station Wagon 1990 make. Gari ya mkulima… with all odds I had to put Pegeot 404 caburator… and it does the best…with FWD everywhere deep inside muddy routes! hapo sasa!
I remember doing rounds after closing Skul in my dads 504 pick KWF…one day we ran out of gas forcing us to push it all the way home since we coulnt fuel coz we didnt have the fuel cap key..Besides i still hold on tomy to to 77 VW BEETLE…Many stories to tell hehe
I must be the only visitor in Jerusalem. I’m seeing this article 4 years late! But not too late to relate. I had this car, eh.. a vehicle, that wouldn’t keep the reverse gear in place, and had no hand brake (was there but never worked), back in the 90s. So now, a decade a half later, I find that I have to hold the reverse gear in, and I never remember to use hand brakes. I upgraded, but just never moved on…
Once a VO, always a VO. Old dogs love old tricks.